On Dec. 9, of last year, I felt an extreme pain on my backside radiating to the front that I had to be brought to the emergency room. I was found to have UTI but because of the severe pain, was asked to have ultrasound to see if I have kidney or gall bladder stones that might have caused the UTI. After the ultrasound and transrectal sound, they found out that I don`t have stones but they found a 9 by 5 cm cystic mass on my ovary that needed to be operated on immediately. The doctors did tell me then that there was the possibility that the cystic mass was cancerous, hence the immediate operation.
I had my ovarian operation 10 days later where the doctors removed the mass which they found out had already burst. The doctors said this was probably the reason for the extreme pain I felt, and that it was a miracle that I did not die of sepsis or infection considering that several days had passed from the time it burst till I had my surgery, during which I was still going to work. I was thankful to God for giving me the chance to live. As if by God`s design, the doctors also saw another mass near my intestines, which would have been hidden from view except that as the doctors were removing the remnants of the cyst that burst, that tiny mass suddenly showed itself.
After the new year, I went back to my doctors for my check up and result of the biopsy done on the cystic mass, and the tiny mass they saw near my intestines. The doctors told me that the mass on my ovary was non-cancerous but the one found near my intestine was malignant. I was told I have adenocarcinoma, a type of colon cancer. The doctors were surprised because I was very calm and at peace when I received the news. I even asked many questions since I needed further tests to check where the primary growth of the cancer was. I didn`t cry. My first thought when the doctors said I have cancer was "His will be done". I wasn`t scared because I knew that no matter what, God will take care of me for He loves me so much, I am His daughter. That whatever happens, it`s for the best. I was calm for I knew even if the battle up ahead would be tough and rough, He is with me every step of the way and carry me through. That in my big fight, He is going to fight with me and just be with me in this part of my journey. I was this convicted because when my life was in mortal danger before my surgery, He took good care of me and I lived through it by His grace. And because of that conviction and because I have complete trust in Him I was at peace. I didn`t even panic that I don`t have the money for the cancer treatment because I know that He will provide. This is the time more than ever to just totally rely on Him and His promises. After further tests, it was confirmed that I have colon cancer. Truly, my life is in His hands.
I take courage, strength and love from Him and that is why I continue to serve Him on my good days and my bad days.
I am now in between chemotherapy sessions. He blessed me for I still have my hair although I experienced the other side effects of chemotherapy. I have the tummy swelling, the puking, the nausea, the fatigue, the pain, memory loss, changing appetites. Physically, it is not easy. My body gets battered. It takes its toll emotionally. I remembered the helplessness of seeing your loved one in pain when my dad battled his renal disease for four years and no matter what I did then doesn`t help him that much to ease his pain and suffering. Now, I am at the other side, the receiving end. I can feel and understand the helpless feeling my sister and mom has everytime I undergo the side effects. I feel that I am such a burden and so as much as possible, I try not to complain much and soldier on. I bear the pain as quietly as I can and lift everything to God. When the pain becomes unbearable at times, I cry to God and just tell Him to assure me na kaya ko lahat ng eto. And always, He would remind me the line "there is nothing deeper that I am not deeper still" And truly nakakayanan ko. And God blesses my family with forbearance and patience to help me endure. He blesses me with friends and this community who constantly pray for me and continues to send me uplifting messages, showers me love and affection.
However, after my third session, I underwent depression. I felt I have reached my limits physically. I really felt I don`t have the strength to continue and that I have been stretched to the maximum. I find myself in a long dark tunnel, I couldn`t see the light up ahead. I was drowning in my sorrow and pain. And so I reached out to God and just poured my heart out. I know that depression is part of my battle and I was telling Him that I was deeply wounded and I just wanna lay down and stop na. He answered in me in the form of a message from my member, Baby Rose. It said "we will never really understand the heart of God`s plans for our lives but when we see how beautiful life is, we see God`s heart!"
And again I saw, in the midst of my trials, tribulations, my pain and suffering, I saw how beautiful life is and I saw God`s heart. So I persevered with His special strength in me as I completely trust and rely on Him. This is one of my precious moments with Him.
I still consider my life to be beautiful. In fact, it is more beautiful now because of what i have been through and will go through. And as my life are like the seasons where there is spring (the beginning), summer (the planting), autumn (the harvest) and winter (the closure). I am at the winter of my life. But after every winter is spring and spring is just around the corner. For me, my spring is I will be healed or I will be with Him in heave. And either is a wonderful spring. His will be done!